Reflections at 40

Sometime in the early 90s on Doordarshan, Dimple Kapadia was asked if there was anything about her life that she would change. A few weeks ago, while filling up a personality questionnaire, I was asked the same question. I don't know if I can genuinely claim to have 'arrived', but I can't resist sporting a smug smile when I say that at some minuscule karmic level, Dimple & I are in the same league – wherever that is.

 

That set me thinking. If a left-of-field question could make me travel back 20 years, why not just lace a post with 40 observations & pontifications - some gleaned from my life and many by watching others live theirs – as I enter my fourth decade? Not only would it be a welcome change from my (ir)regular dose of structured seriousness, it would also make me feel less guilty about parlaying my voyeuristic insights into the public bathhouse called the internet.

1.    Adolescent scrawny kids sporting thick glasses, possessing average social skills and suffering from perpetual foot-in-the-mouth syndrome come out ok.

2.    Foot-in-the-mouth syndrome has limits. Read here for a profound lesson.

3.    For the record, smooth-talking kids turn out ok too.

4.    The queue other than the one you are in always moves faster. This applies to traffic queues, promotion queues (at work), and bus ticket queues. Erratic switching between queues and creating Nobel-Prize-level algorithms make things worse.

5.    Learn to enjoy the journey more than the destination. A dustbin and an exam helped me understand this.

6.    Hard work trumps intelligence.

7.    Knowing what to say, when to say, and how to say trumps hard work.

8.    It is perfectly fine to have crazy meaningless goals sometimes. I once called an illogical flash of insight ‘10-20-30’ for wanting to work in 10 countries, sight-see in 20, and visit 30 US states. After a 7-9-27 record over 18 years, I am glad I came up with it.

9.    Never forget to say Thank You. With a Smile.

10.  Never forget to say Sorry. With Empathy.

11.  Add Highly Expensive Gift to the above rule when saying sorry to wife / girlfriend.

12.  For a lady apologizing to her husband / boyfriend, a kiss is enough. Men come cheap.

13.  Remain grounded. Because however good you are, someone will be better.

14.  Don't fret about your company not caring about 'long term' employees and hiring 'outsiders' at higher pay. Stuff happens. Ultimately, incomes for EVERYBODY average out.

15.  NEVER let money guide your career decision. Yes - this is basic stuff, but I am amazed how many people want to learn this the hard way.

16.  Volunteer for hard, thankless, or boring jobs at work. These are surefire ways to get noticed.

17.  Work presents opportunities to both roll up your sleeves to jump into the pit and staying above to guide your team. Success is figuring what to do when. So master both strategy and tactics.

18.  Work-life balance doesn’t exist. Aspire for work-family balance. That is called Life.

19.  Someone at some moment will ignorantly mark the entire world in 'To' and not in 'bcc'. The result will be a nerve-wracking typhoon of glorious email replies including about 50 that will say 'Please do not reply to all'. In moments like this, BREATHE.

20.  Official conference calls and apartment association meetings have one thing in common. Everyone believes it is their democratic right to offer useless opinions without taking ownership. In moments like this, BREATHE DEEPLY.

21.  Read. It irrigates your thinking.

22.  Travel. It polishes your thinking.

23.  Watch TED talks, enjoy late-night comedy and listen to music.

24.  Laugh.

25.  Never let perfect be the enemy of the good.

26.  Don't try the above line while talking to wife.

27.  Be kind.

28.  Keep your promises. That alone builds trust.

29.  Cherish, nurture and cultivate relationships. You will learn so much from them and will have so much to offer.

30.  The quietest person in the room holds the most answers. Seek that person.

31.  Have role models. They keep you aligned.

32.  Be a role model to others. They keep you from straying.

33.  Develop a moral compass. It will point you to your True North.

34.  The best counsel you get during moments of self-doubt is from the person in the mirror. Developing the ability to objectively listen to that person is called introspection.

35.  What goes around comes around. Therefore, be careful and considerate with your actions.

36.  Dreams always come true, but not when you want them or how you want them. Accept this with grace.

37.  Be a sponge. Always.

38.  Giving provides the greatest meaning.

39.  You will discover true unconditional love.

40.  Your life will oscillate between staying content and remaining hungry. The level of balance that you seek between the two is your autobiography.

Oprah Winfrey Fixes my Seven Year Itch

I still remember that conversation several years ago. It was an off-site meeting from work. Out of the blue, somewhere in the midst of it all, we were addressed as 'future leaders'. I did not see that coming. Questions swirled. Lots of them.

When did I suddenly become a leader? Why now? How? Was it because I was managing more people? What was that precise 'cut-off' when I ceased being a manager and transitioned into a leader? (Regular readers will easily discern my dilemma; after all, I have partially addressed it here, here, and here.)

But I had a more fundamental issue. For years, I had truly believed that entry level engineers at work or stay at home women running their household could be leaders in every sense of the word. So if 'years of experience' was irrelevant to leadership, what was?

Thus began a journey of seven years of discovery. (Note to newly-weds: The seven year itch is real. Just that it has nothing to do with marriage most of the time.)

I love commencement speeches. The speaker tries to pack years of experience into something that grads can relate to. Wisdom is dispensed in a manner that is not sanctimonious. And there is much to reflect on.

Oprah Winfrey's commencement speech at Harvard in May was one such gem.

The challenge of life, I have found, is to build a resume that doesn’t simply tell a story about what you want to be, but it's a story about who you want to be. It's a resume that doesn't just tell a story about what you wanna accomplish, but why. A story that’s not just a collection of titles, and positions, but a story that’s really about your purpose. Because when you inevitably stumble and find yourself stuck in a hole, that is the story that will get you out. What is your true calling, what is your dharma, what is your true purpose?

Oprah was asking grads to discover why they exist (you will not get answers right away, she added, and boy, wasn't she right) as the first step. I recalled a saying that I read elsewhere that seemed to be the perfect next step. The longest distance that you will ever take in life - it goes - is the eighteen inches between your heart and your head. Aligning what we do (action) with what we want (passion) is that second step.

Which brings me back to Leadership. The best definition about Leadership that I have read in these seven years has been from the book What You're Really Meant to Do. Robert Kaplan defines leadership as the ability to figure out what you believe and then summon the courage to appropriately act on those beliefs. These actions must be geared towards adding value to an enterprise and making a positive impact on others. No mention of titles, empires, budgets or power.

And therein lay the answers to my long quest in simple terms. When you discover your calling, undertake that 18 inch journey, and repeatedly demonstrate the courage to live your beliefs, you become a Leader.

No one said this would be easy. But it holds good for entry level engineers. For stay at home ladies. And for people that carry seven year itches.